God Sent Me My Hon

     One Sunday when I was in college, I went with a friend to the chapel on campus for mass. I was stressed out from school and from relationship problems, and I told the Lord that all I really wanted to be was a wife and a mother. Then, for the first time ever, I heard that internal voice of the Lord say, "You will."
     I have always cherished the memory of that Sunday morning, especially this morning on the 28th anniversary of the day Dean and I received the sacrament of marriage and were joined by God as one. I know beyond all doubt that God sent me Dean. He wasn't exactly what I had expected and he certainly wasn't in a place that I had expected, but he was and has always been exactly what I needed in a partner.
     My best friend, Keith, read this poem on marriage by Kahil Gibran at our wedding ceremony: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet3.html .  The poet talks about how to be together bonded by God as a couple but also how to not to be so "near together" as "the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." That's the balance that is hard to find as a couple. To be together and put family second only behind God but not to lose who are as an individual. This morning, as I look back, I know that sometimes along the way we've struggled and there were times when I felt like I was losing me. That's not what God wants for us when he unites us as one. Marriage is similar to salvation; you have to give up your life only to discover that after doing so, you find it! Dean and I know each other's strengths and weaknesses and have come to appreciate the strengths and laugh at the weaknesses because where one is weak, the other is strong. God already knew that; it just took us a while to get there! And being there is oh so wonderful.

I Love People

     I seriously love people! You will probably find this odd, but I'm fascinated by people the same way that a bug collector loves bugs or a paleontologist rejoices when she discovers an amazing fossil.  I could stand in an elementary cafeteria all day and watch the kids interacting, each one of them a little treasure. So tonight when I did my readings and read these words in Jeremiah, "Cursed is the man who trusts in human beings," I felt a little sad.  Later, the verse reads, "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord."  Maybe I can understand what the Lord is telling me after all.
      I have been so blessed with the people God has placed in my life. Professionally, I have had the best mentors beginning with my dad. I work with the most amazing people, and I have had the privilege of meeting kids who have shown me how much a person can survive and still thrive.  Personally, I have had wonderful friends who made me laugh and who gave me a sense of belonging and acceptance. My family is incredible~ each in their own way. My boys are so loving and so special, all three of them. 
     But, if I'm really being honest, there have been times when I've been hurt by the people in my life when they have let me down. And honestly, there have been times when I've let the people I care about down.  We're human beings; that's what we do.  We're never going to be able to love each other with the kind of love described in Corinthians until we get to Heaven.  People come in and out of our lives, and we should love them and appreciate them while we have them, but I think what the Lord is telling us is that we can't put other people at the center of our universe no matter how much we love them. If we do, we're bound to be disappointed. But if we make the Lord the center, if we place our hope for salvation in Him alone, we will always be nourished.

Truth Begins in Humility

     Today someone I work with took the time to send me an email telling me how much she appreciates the way I do my job. Now the fact that she would take the time to let me know her feelings meant a lot to me, but it just so happens that I started the morning with some clouds of self-doubt.  Her email had come at the perfect time. I responded with, "How did you know I needed to hear that this morning?" And she responded with, "The Lord works in mysterious ways."  How awesome!
     So I'm about to go to bed but before I do, I read my daily Mass readings, and wouldn't you know it, Jesus is talking to me about humility~ about not behaving in ways just to seek recognition, about how Truth begins in humility. And yet the Lord made me, and "He saw that it was good." So how are those two positions reconciled? As today's meditation says, true humility is knowing your own strengths and weaknesses and being honest about both. After 50 years, I know exactly what my weaknesses are, and I also know what my strengths are. I believe that both are gifts from God. I was given my strengths so that with His grace, I can accomplish my work here on earth. And I was given my weaknesses so that I would have to depend on the Lord and on others who were given the strengths that I don't have.
    So where did the self-doubt come from? I believe that self-doubt comes from lack of faith. I believe that when I doubt myself, I'm actually doubting the God who made me. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Self-doubt is temptation not to act or to act in ways that are self serving. How much havoc is wreaked on the world by people who are just trying to make themselves feel better? We can't make enough money, lose enough weight, win enough trophies to ever make ourselves feel better, at least not for the long haul. Only Christ can fill that hole, and when he does, then we have a responsibility to share the gifts he has given us and serve Him and each other.
 And yet that doubt, that lack of faith can creep in at any time because we live on earth, not Heaven. So thank you God, for sending me an Angel today to remind me that I've got work to do, and that You have given me and will continue to give me exactly what I need to accomplish that work.

The Mass Simplified

     I enjoy coming in to a quiet sanctuary. When I enter the pew, I make the sign of the cross and pray. Usually I  thank God for getting us to mass, and I ask him to open our hearts and help us have a good mass. The Mass is divided into three parts. The first part is called the Introductory Rites. During this part, we say hello to God, we admit that we are sinners and ask for mercy, and we tell God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit how glorious they are in the ancient hymn, the Gloria. This part is supposed to open our hearts for the second and third parts of the mass and is done through ritualistic prayers and signs. I find these rituals very comforting. I like knowing that, although the language and details may differ, Catholics all over the world have performed these rituals every day for 2000 years. This knowledge helps me feel connected to something much larger than myself.
     The second part of the Mass is the Liturgy of the Word where we hear the Word being read, then we hear the word from the priest, then we tell the Lord that we believe Him by reciting the Creed . There are usually four readings which all have a central theme, usually one from the Old Testament, a Psalm, one from the New Testament letters, and always one from the Gospel. Before the Gospel reading we stand and sing Alleluia because we are about to hear from Jesus.After the readings, the priest gives the homily or sermon which is supposed to be about the readings of the day. Every day of the year there are daily readings; the readings are done in a cycle of three years so that the entire Bible is covered.
     The last most important part of the Mass is the Liturgy of the Eucharist. The Catholic church has arranged this part of the Mass to be exactly the way Christ instituted this sacrament at the Last Supper. Just as Christ was transfigured on the mountain with Moses and Elijah, we believe that the bread and wine are transfigured to be the actual body and blood of Christ. Jesus loved us so much that He found a way to physically stay with us even after his return to Heaven. I believe that I am who I am today because of Jesus, because of the Eucharist. Jesus desires to be physically part of me and to have me take him out into the world for others. There just aren't any words to explain the joy  and thanksgiving I feel for the Eucharist.
     I need to hear the word, pray before the Blessed Body, have communion with my fellow Catholics, and mostly to receive the Eucharist if I have any hope at all of making through my week and of being His light to the world.

The Blessing of Fathers

     Today is the Solemnity of Saint Joseph. Reading about  the role Joseph played in our redemption today has caused me to meditate on the importance of fathers and their roles in our lives. Through my spiritual formation, I have learned that the father is the spiritual leader of the family. At first, this teaching was hard for me, but through grace, I have come to not only accept this teaching but to be comforted by it.
    My own father is a strong Christian man who has always been a teacher to me in so many ways. His life is an example of overcoming adversity, of being righteous regardless of life circumstances, of loving family above all, and of being true to one's self regardless of what is popular. He is a quiet, gentle leader that is loved by everyone who knows him. My husband, the father of my boys, has transformed my life. His leadership in our family has been the strength that has gotten us through. He is the reason we are so strong in our faith and attend mass every Sunday. He has been the best father for our boys both of whom say that they hope to be the father that he has been. Both of these Christian fathers have made me always feel loved, respected, and secure. My Heavenly Father has blessed me indeed!

Gifts of the Spirit

     In today's Gospel Jesus tells us to "seek and you shall find...knock and the door shall be open."  He asks us to think about how much we want to give our own children and tells us how much more our Father wants to give to us. Jesus often compares a parent's love to God's love which helps me understand how much God loves me because I know how much I love my boys.
     When the boys were born, I used to sit and stare at them in amazement at how beautiful they were. I felt so humbled that God had entrusted their care to Dean and I. From the moment of Kyle's birth, I could see how different their personalities are.  I love each of them so completely just exactly the way that they are, and my love for one doesn't have anything at all to do with the other. My love for my boys has helped me to understand how God gives each of us gifts and how he values each unique gift in each unique human. What a waste of time it is for us to compare ourselves or to envy the gifts of another! So what I'll pray for today is to be able to see and appreciate the unique gifts of all the wonderful people the good Lord has placed in my path.
    

    

All Love Comes From God

     Today my Lenten Daily reading book asked me to think about the best homily (sermon) I ever heard. That's an easy one for me. Father David Cooper delivered the best homily I ever heard on March 26, 1983 during my wedding ceremony.  Father David explained to Dean and I that all love comes from God. He said that there would be times over the years in our marriage when loving the other may be difficult, and he said that during those times, we should remember that the more we love each other, the more we are loving God.
     Over the years, I have thought of Father David's words many, many times~ not just in my marriage, but any time I have found loving another difficult. Mother Teresa said that, "...in the final analysis it's between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
     Every day of my life, I've come home to a place where I knew I was loved. My heart aches for those who have not been so fortunate, and I feel an obligation to share the love that my Father has so blessed me with, but choosing to love is not always easy, and many times I fail to love the way that He would have me love.
     I try to surround myself with what Dean calls "reminders." Some of the reminders we use are to make sure we have scripture verses through out the house. In my office, I use birds and bird houses to remind myself that if His eye is on the sparrow, how much more so does he love me? Meditating on the crucifix is important to me because the crucifix is a picture of perfect Love. I also use music. Brandon Heath's song, "Give Me Your Eyes" is one of my favorites. Unfortunately, even with reminders, we humans don't love perfectly. Thankfully, our Father does.

I'm Not Very Good at Prayer

     I don't consider myself very good at prayer. I don't have regular prayer times. I can't focus for very long when I'm praying. Some days I go the whole day without speaking to my Lord. Although I am weak, He is strong. He is patient with me. He forgives my weakness, and he has given me some amazing blessings through prayer.
     There have been times when He has answered a prayer directly. One morning, I was getting ready to take a cheer team to Nationals in Dallas, and I couldn't find the school credit card. I looked everywhere, but we had our last practice that morning, so I went to practice fussing at myself the whole way. On the way home I prayed, "Lord, I know you've got way more important things to do, but I really need that credit card. Could you please help me?" When I got home, the card was sitting on top of the papers I had put together for the trip. I thanked my husband for finding the card, but he didn't know what I was talking about. Lot's of people would find a way to explain this event that didn't include God, but I knew.
     There have been times when He has spoken to my heart directly through prayer. Once in at a retreat of about 100 women, I was telling Him that He really should not call on me to do much. I was so tired and told him that I really just didn't have the energy to be called. And he said, "Oh yes you will; I'm calling you first." Immediately after those words, the priest called my name first to come up to the altar to receive my certificate. Some would say that's a coincidence, but I knew.
     And there have been times when I haven't even noticed that he has answered my prayer. These are the times when I've been at my lowest. I've prayed for Him to guide me, to heal me, and to help me to forgive, but after each of these prayers, I hadn't felt any relief. It wasn't until much later, maybe a week, maybe a month, that I had felt a peace about those situations. I hadn't noticed it coming, but I know the peace came from Him. The peace and understanding hadn't come in the great revelation that I had been expecting; it had come without my doing anything at all. Slowly, surely, like a quilt wrapping me in its warmth and comfort. And I knew.

Freedom to Obey

     I do not like being told what to do. There is something in me that just wants to scream when someone tells me what I "need" or what I "should" do. I know this about myself, and since I am a grown-up, I've learned to control the rush of adrenaline that comes with these words. So what a paradox it is that I belong to a church with so many demands!
     God created us in His image and gave us will and intellect which means that he gave me a mind that can understand right and wrong and he gave me free will to chose between the two. God gave me freedom! What I have learned, though, is that I'm only truly free when I choose to follow him. There's the paradox. In order to be truly free, I must obey. I'll tell you that this truth has been and continues to be the hardest part of my spiritual journey.
     I believe that when Jesus gave Peter the keys to the kingdom, He was creating his Church. So, I have to ask myself, "Why?" Jesus, why do I need a church? I believe the answer to that question is that I need a church because understanding and obeying God's will for my life is hard. His voice gets drowned out by the world's voice. So I need a voice in this world that is greater than me to keep me connected to Him.
     A lot of my friends and family ask me about the details of my church. What about this belief or how can I believe that. I understand those questions, but for me, those are details that can easily distract from the big picture. Which is not to say that those details aren't important. Some of them are huge. What I'm saying, though, is that I don't let those details distract me from the big picture. My church was created by Jesus. For the past 2000 years, it's been managed by human beings and anything run by human beings is going to be less than perfect. But Jesus promised Peter that nothing, not even Death, would destroy His church.
     And Jesus's promise is enough. So it is that in His church through obedience I have found a joyful freedom!

First Sunday of Lent

     I've been searching my heart for a few weeks for a suitable Lenten sacrifice. I thought about giving up lunches out, but my friends at work protested the sacrifice they would have to make for my spiritual growth. I considered the standards of wine, soft drinks, desserts, sex (that last one is never really serious) but none of those seemed like they would get the job done. I know I'm already four days in, but finally this Sunday the Holy Spirit gave me an answer. "Start your blog."

     I don't really know yet what I'll write about, but I do know that at least until Easter Sunday this blog will focus on spirituality. My Lord has asked that I let you know how I feel about Him, my Church, and my life with Him in it. So I'll start with a little background.

     I'm a wife of 28 years, a mom of two grown boys, a counselor of counselors, and a converted Catholic. One thing I've learned is that my Lord has a sense of humor; I witness this daily, but never more so than when I think about my conversion to a religion that I once thought of as akin to voodoo. I grew up with a Baptist mom and a Methodist dad and a whole mess of strong Protestant relatives. They taught me how to love, pray, and eat!  When I was 21, I met my hot Catholic husband, and within a few months of dating him, I was madly in love.  I told Father David at our pre-marriage counseling that I wanted to convert. He advised me to wait until we had been married a while. He knew that I would have done anything for my new fiance, and he wanted me to make certain that Catholicism was what I really wanted. Dean and I got married in the Church, but when we had our boys, we tried both the Catholic and Methodist churches until it was time to make a decision for the boys. I prayed about our decision for at least six months until one day the Holy Spirit led me to the Catholic church. So for the next few weeks, I will tell you how the Spirit has "renewed my heart and kindled in me the fire of His love" ever since.